I am not sure if that statement is true of everybody, but I know it is true of me and I assume of most morbidly obese people. Here is what I mean. When I was staying extremely strict and following the menu at www.jointhereboot.com to the letter, this juice fast was easy. No thinking, no discussions – internal or otherwise – and no excuses. I was strong in my resolve.
Then came the evening of food debauchery.
At that moment, everything changed.
There may have been more at play than that. At that point I had been exclusively juicing for 35 days. I was going through a lot of changes and a lot of stress. I was just exhausted. But that night still seems to be the fulcrum.
Since that time. I have still been juicing, but having justified my excursion once, it has become much more of a temptation. On top of that, that night of eating “real food” did not kill me. So the temptations have been easier to justify.
I, a rational grown 44 year old man, has been reduced to telling myself such things as “Oh, its only one. One won’t hurt,” “Can you believe that your daughter is going to waste half of a burger! Half! Do you know how much that costs?! You can’t waste that, it’s food. Besides, think of the starving children, they would be thrilled to have that much and you’re just gonna throw it away,” “It’s not fair you know? Your wife gets to eat “real food” and she is still losing weight.” “You didn’t gain any weight after that night, it’ll be okay.” Your body probably needs a break; you probably can jump start your weight loss by eating real food every now and then. It’ll be a “shock to your system” …yeah that’s it…it’ll be a shock and you need that every now and then to fight homeostasis and adaptions.” A grown man felled by childish arguments, straw men, and an Oreo.
And they just kept on coming. For the record, No, I did not eat the burger. But neither did I throw it away. I made my daughter eat it! 😉 I also did not go on a 2 week bender or anything like that. It was more temptation than actually caving in to any thing. But it would have been easy to give in so many times. I have once or twice.
And that is my point. We morbidly obese, or at least me – if I have learned anything – got to this point by one common thread. We reject discipline and we hate to be told “no” about anything. It’s not that we are bad people, or that we are urban marauders. We just don’t like being told no or feeling deprived of anything. Especially sensory things. We like to touch, feel, taste, and experience things. I can almost assure you if you were to talk at some length with a morbidly obese person, scratch the surface, and you would find a person who has lived a very full rich life, someone who in their younger days was into adventure sports, outdoor activities, or in an urban setting, loved the nightlife, they loved pushing the envelope, and taking risks. It probably was evident in their love lives, in their school work, in their activity choices, and in their friends.
They lived with their hearts on their sleeves, their life on the horizon, and their fulfillment – one experience, one thrill, or one taste of the next great meal – one step removed from wherever they were at that moment. It was probably always the next thing that was going to “do it” for them. So, they couldn’t tell themselves no. It would mean they might have to return to the life of the ordinary. You want to see misery and fear, threaten someone like this with mundanity!
I know, I are one.
So, anyway. Here I am 9 days removed from my last post. I lost the extreme strict structure of the juicing journey the way it was. I lost the daily reporting in on the blog. I did feel a sense of freedom in all of that, to be sure. Trying to come up with something good and valuable to say each day is a challenge. I got caught up in the work of trying to get my business off of the ground, and in school work. Juicing six times a day turned into five, then four, then whenever I could find time. I started substituting more and more store bought and pre-prepared juices. Again, nothing “Bad” just not what it once was.
Those of you who are Christians, may well remember the condemnation of the Church of Ephesus…”All these things you have done, but this one thing I have against you. You have lost your first love.” Or the heart cry of David in Psalms 51 “Return to me the Joy of my salvation”. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not elevating this to the point of “salvation” in the spiritual sense. But there is a very spiritual nature in all of it. At the heart of it is our bent to rebellion and seeking satisfaction outside of parameters that have been set in place.
I have friends who are doing the “juicing and eating” thing. I know that Joe Cross is now. I wonder if I ever will reach that point, that I can do both. Moderation has never been my strong suit. I tend to be an “all in” or “all out” sort of a person.
I must find the balance in here somewhere. I am within two weeks of being done with the exclusively juicing portion of this journey and must come to grips with it. I must create a new “system” to address my cravings and my flavor threshold. I must climb this one more hill so that I can move forward and continue to conquer.
If not I know what lies ahead. I will not return. Oh, btw…my weight is down another 10 pounds since my last post. I am at 378 even. Down 92 pounds.
Now if you will excuse me, I have windmills to tilt at and a carrot apple juice to make.
Juice On; Join the Journey.