Status Day 13:
SW: 470 TW: 432.4 TWL: 37.6 lbs Lbs to Goal: 207.4
The Kno-Kno: Yesterday, my beautiful wife and I decided to go to Knoxville. That is the closest metro area to us and the nearest location to a grocery store that caters to our new eating/juicing habits.
This was a milestone moment for us because we, as a rule, thought not hermits, do not look for reasons to leave the house. I have not hidden the fact that I am over 400 pounds and my wife is larger than she wants to be. You can imagine the looks, stares, and behind-the-back comments that we have to endure as a result of our size. (More on that in a later post) So we usually do not go out o the town for fun.
However, with our new lifestyle, and buoyed by our recent successes, we were somewhat energized and felt like braving the “big city”. My wife – I am so proud of her – strolled the aisles confidently. Together, we went to three stores and could have done more. A mere month ago just going Christmas shopping was an ordeal full of pain and out-of-breath aisle walking. In fact, toward the end of our sojourn I resorted to grabbing a buggy and using it as an impromptu walker my back and knees were hurting so badly. This time, though, our excursion was a pleasure start-to-finish.
I can’t believe the difference two weeks of this new lifestyle has made for us, not only physically but also psychologically.
The No-No: One of the things about our trip to Knoxville which was especially hard for my wife was the myriad of neon signs beckoning us into their doors full of flavorful foods and heady aromas.
Again, it was not just the food. As I am learning, it seldom is. For my wife, who was raised in this region, going to Knoxville was “going to town.” That meant you dressed for the occasion, you planned on it, prepared for it, and whatever the reason that you were going, it meant at some point in the day you went to a nice restaurant.
In a small town you have eateries, but not the big famous ones you see on TV: the seafood restaurants, the Italian places, the Asian bistros, and the nice steakhouses. So whether you were in town to visit a sick relative at the hospital or for a day of shopping, eating was part of the doing and the going. it was one thing that everyone looked forward to. It was ingrained as part of the experience.
Though she is not juicing, she has dramatically altered her diet and our new lifestyle no longer includes unhealthy foods prepared in unhealthy manners. The commitments we changed overnight, the memories are not so easy. Driving down one of the major thoroughfares were tough as we passed restaurant after restaurant, each one a former favorite. It was the toughest two miles we have ever driven. To top it off, we had stayed out long enough that each of us were hungry.
We had prepared. My wife brought some legal snacks and I found a juice bar at the grocery store and had their version of a mean green. Still that was hardly enough to stave off the onslaught against our senses. I have noticed that since beginning this journey, my sense of smell has heightened: I could smell a steak grilling a mile away.
We alternated talking to keep our minds off of it, especially at stop signs and stop lights and sitting in our own silences dealing with our own demons.
In honor of our successful tour through the gauntlet, I thought I would post a song that kept running through my head last night. It is a silly song, and not one that I really care all that much for, but it seemed appropriate. It is a song which Ringo sang about dealing with his addictions.
What I Think I Now Know: When I was not humming the No-No song last night, I was thinking about the TV show, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. I remembered a particular episode where Steven, formerly the drummer for Guns-N-Roses, was acting particularly badly. Honestly he was being an absolute jerk to the other addicts, to the staff, and to Dr. Drew. Not over drugs but over the rules regarding using cell phones while in treatment.
Dr. Drew explained how addicts hate to be told “No”. The mere presence of boundaries were sending Steven over the edge.
As I could not find the yucca root or jicama I was looking for at the first store and I was unable to purchase a Breville Juicer (my whole reason for going to Knoxville), I was getting noticeably upset. It was quite irrational; I know that. But, it was happening to me, nonetheless. I became incredulous with the clerk that not only was their store, or every one of their chain of stores in town sold out but all of their stores across the nation were sold out of these juicers.
I soon found incredulity give way to petulance, then to pouting. It was all internal but it was there and it was not pretty. I heard me tell myself, “Well fine! If I can’t juice, I’ll just quit!” Though I won’t, at that moment, I think I would have had I not talked myself down.
More stupid self-conversations about life conspiring to get me and to keep me fat and I actually used my anger to get me past not only that moment, but the ones which lay ahead in restaurant row.
What I think I now know about myself as I heard the echos of Dr. Drew, is that I am addicted to food. My behavior would seem to indicate it. The fact that I was told “NO” was a trigger to me. Isn’t that stupid?!
I should be happy that so many people are juicing and taking charge of their help that Breville can’t keep up with demand and that Breville USA is providing jobs to hundreds if not thousands of people. Instead I was focused on me. It was a side of me that I did not like having to face up to. Even now, a day later, it is hard to admit.
Perhaps this is the place from where at least some of my obesity grows; never telling myself “NO”. And, not liking it when others did. Not only about food, but about other seemingly unrelated things. Food was the one thing I could control and it was easy to reach for and grab and shovel in my mouth. It was an easy way to tell myself “YES.”
I think I know that I am an addict. I think I now know that I dont like to be told “no”. I think I now know that I can find positive things to do when I do face disappointments. I think I no know that I will not die from not getting my way or from even telling myself no, especially when it comes to food.
I can do this. Even if the scales tell me “NO, you did not lose weight today” and I can do it without reaching for a steak, chili-cheese fries, or even a juice. Perhaps, I will just sing The No-No Song and laugh along with Ringo.
“No, no, no, no, I don’t eat it no more…..”
Juice on; Join the Journey.